Pretty Much Indestructible Today

2006-02-27T01:57:00.000-05:00

sometimes if i close my eyes i can see constellations made out of spilled salt

crystalline universes made out of the earth

i think we eventually all end up exactly where we came from.

the universe just might be round.

we're all rotating

i'm rotating

in a geosynchronos orbit around every little thing that can make up

the night sky above our blanet and port wine

sweet-dumb-beautifully-drunk

i will hold it up above the city lights

and every thing that i've just left unsaid

will be put on display with clearly marked labels that you can use to define it

but please don't define it because words set limitations

unless you leave them open ended

i like to leave the screen door of these words open

so if you need to you can get back inside

incase you've forgotten your key

or a cardigan

because it's relatively cold outside

winter in ontario is crisp as fuck

and i almost make a crystal clear realization

every night when i walk my dog

i almost make sense of every little thing

at 10:48 pm.

2006-02-05T02:21:00.000-05:00

wondering about words that have never been written

at 2 in the morning.

we're searching through bloodless histories

at 2 in the morning

i'm keeping my safety blanket close at hand

at 2 in the morning

because we can't think about the daybreak

or your deep stake

or the grand fake

we're being distracted by the cool greys and blues that are painting up my night sky

aerosol brightened morningsong

and every day this light

makes my first sight myopic.

i can see anything despite the blurred edges

i'm folding up a paper airplane that will cut through this mess

without any vapor trail

i'm floating on looseleaf through consummate midnight

midlight

night sight

all the way to your doorstep

i'm floating on looseleaf through consummate midnight

and when i get there we're going to dance the night away

dance the night away

dance the night away

to the fingerpicked acoustic guitar that has always

and probably will always

provide a perfectly appropo soundtrack to my dream drenched mind

it'll be incredibly subtle

and it'll pick up at exactly the right moment

and we'll dance dance dance

dance so hard i'll lose any mediocrity

i'll sweat it out

i'm floating on looseleaf through consummate midnight

and its warm outside for january

lights are flickering on in office buildings and morning is rearing its threatening head

i'm floating on looseleaf through consummate midnight

i'll arrive before the world wakes up

good night

sleep tight

leave the extra key in the mailbox

and i'll come upstairs as quiet as i can

i'll arrive before the world wakes up.

2005-10-18T00:13:00.000-04:00

i think there could be a place where you're walking around and laughing at us

because we all think we're so superior right where we are

and i think there could be a place where you're wondering what exactly it is they're doing and why

and i think i know there's a place where you're dreaming

although they say that you can't dream anymore.

i think that this reality is subjective and that they should know that

but i can't tell them

i'm not involved enough

i think that you'll probably be there for them like he is there for us and eventually one day i'll be there for whomever.

i think it's going to be surreal watching you go

i'd like to think that you're floating

up, up and away

i know that it's cliche'd that i'm writing this

and that i probably don't have any right.

but i thought i should.

i hope wherever you are is brilliant

i hope that linoleum floors don't exist there

i hope that there is no such thing as a ceiling

i hope you're gliding in endless sky

and i hope that everything below you looks incredibly silly

forget about numbers

forget about data

forget about bills of any kind

spin as fast as you possibly can and revel in the spinning

goodnight. sleeptight. dream as loud as you fucking can.

2005-09-19T23:48:00.000-04:00

i wonder if the click and the clack of these keys will produce something

anything

i'd like to evaporate

i'd like to become

vapor

tiny particles slowly rising away away away from here

i'm on the verge of actually saying something

actually speaking something

actually being something

but

i can't quite get it

i'd like to be suspended above the moon and below the stars

i'd like to nova

she took my hand as we walked beneath the knave and the vault

my thoughts bled from my eyes into her hands

my brain needs to slowthefuckdown

this weekend is sure to be on of the best ones ever.

i

miss

you.

2005-09-19T01:31:00.000-04:00

if i could i think i would bury myself undergoud

a couple hundred feet

see the ground as a dirty sky

looking down to some is way high up to others

this time its not about that

there could be mirrors reflecting that tired look in your eyes, but instead there is just glass

you're wearing that sweater again

that reminds me of 1996

i think that some part of my heart is cable knit

i never seem to see the same thing anymore

sometimes lonliness is tangible.

i can knead it and shape it.

i should go and swim in the sky

i'm making cloud shapes into the faces of people i never really think about

she's singing in her room again

its quieter

the sound had its growth stunted

it came out different.

we came out different

we changed how we were supposed to be

i'm going to sail away

sail away

sail away

there's wind caught in my throat and i've nothing left to say.

2005-08-30T14:04:00.000-04:00

one of these days i'm going to take a big pack of crayons and paint the sky just the way i would have when i was 6 years old

completely out of the lines.

i think that when i wake up everyday i wake up somewhere else someone else but just a little bit the same

i don't really want to stay in the lines

colouring for colours sake

for the sake of colour

for brightness

i think that i may just be the luckiest man alive.

if i could i would write a sonnet in perfect iambic pentameter

made specifically for your ears only

when you heard it you would know exactly what i meant

we'll be forgotten

we'll be remembered

we'll change everything

i'm going to change the world

i

am

going

to

change

the

world.

sprinting down cobblestones on the way to something important

do you remember that?

streetlamps hiding in leaves

check and mate and the game is over but it's actually just begun

remember that day?

bluest sky mine eyes have every witnessed

there is nothing

nothing

nothing

other than right now

anything else is just an esoteric concept

the future doesn't ever really happen.

it's always just right now

so

be

now

and

be

something.

there should be a dozen different pictures of you in a dozen different museums

you're eyes are like home.

2005-08-15T16:34:00.000-04:00

i'm not really sure of the machinery that causes sunrise to turn to sunsets

or what cogs and wheels turn in order for this moment to pass to the next

i want to shoot out into the deep dark night and explode

rivers of colour flowing from me lighting up the night making something worth looking at.

i am really truly afraid of being completely and utterly forgotten

sometimes i listen to the sound of the city all around me and pretend that its a city about a million miles from here and that i'm underneath something built hundreds of years before i was born

i don't feel inspired right now.

2005-08-14T14:05:00.000-04:00

i spent the last 3 months stationed on a russian spy satellite

read watch record click send and into existence it comes

i think i'm back now i'm sorry i hiatused

when i was up there i saw more stars than there are flavors of ben and jerry's

and i realized that i have an entire world in each of my eyes

and realized that it doesn't mean all that much because most of my world resides in hers

and realized that i want to write a book

and be somebody

you can come to my book signing

and after we can go out for pad thai

there is far too much to say and too little time to say it so i'm going to work on words

better words

smarter words

words that mean something the way they all mean something

while spy satteliting i met a russian named yuri

he had the saddest eyes i'd ever seen

he lost his dog in prague on one misty spring evening as he walked under streetlight

and he lost his heart in moscow in the wee hours of the morning when he realized that life isn't exactly the same as it was when he was 12 years old.

but then again maybe thats ok

i never really could understand russian

all your eyes and all your hearts can add up to this

the sum of our parts

equations make love seem simple

my math is astronomic.

2005-06-17T19:57:00.000-04:00

i think that when i die i want to be buried somewhere far away from trains and planes and automobiles

because i only want certain people to dance upon my grave

my mind gets cloudy sometimes.

my reality can get pushed back like covers from off your darker than it used to be skin

i think that i need to learn to leave behind more things

i think that i need to learn how to let go but sometimes i wonder what i've let go in the process

there are colours that i want to see that i don't think exist yet

i think this poem should be for her

i think that i should be for her

our hearts beat ceaselessly together as i desperately try to describe something that there aren't enough verbs or nouns or adjectives that i can string together to properly do justice to the way that you can feel

this is a snapshot of my heart that you can hang on the wall of your little yellow room and display for all of your friends to see and admire

i can't pick the right strings to make something deserving of your ear

i can't pick the right things to say to make something deserving of your smile

you are far more wonderful than i think you give yourself credit for

my chest is made of kevlar and when you speak you speak with armour piercing rounds

they came for you in the dead of night while you read huxley and wondered whether or not his dystopia is your reality and if you are the u in utopia

don't you lose your pocketwatch this time

and so it is

and so it is

much like they always said it would just be like

most of the time i'm never sure if i'm dreaming or waking and i think that maybe thats a good thing

i think that i never really know which part of it is real and maybe that keeps me better off

my mind and heart are burning with thoughts of you that i can't properly put down on paper because i think it could make this place go down in flames

i live in a perpetual state of lucidity

i remember what september smells like and it scares me because i don't know what i'm going to associate it with

i want to light up your night sky with more fireworks than the chinese can mass produce

this could be the best thing ever.

2005-05-30T20:31:00.000-04:00

i would like to benefit from some artificial respiration

because i think they might have been lying when they said that we couldn't breathe way high up in the stratosphere

the air might be kind of thin here but i'm used to running on a little so i think i can handle this for a little bit longer

i think our lives fill empty spaces and in doing that become purposeful because we were something we are something we can be something

i'd like to bring light to your veins so something brighter than that could flow through you and we could fly way high up above any ambient light and whisper things to eachother for no one else to hear

we're all in a circus and i'm certain of it, all of it, every last drop of it

i'd like artificial respiration to wake up my tired soul because it sounded poetic at the time

this could be our last chance don't forget to bring your toothbrush cause maybe we could get out of here tonight just be quiet and remember that the third stair always creaks

wires are tangled like my thoughts were and are and aren't and might be again but i certainly hope they shan't be

when i was younger i dreamed of being an astronaut

theres a painting on my wall that i always used to dream about. theres an old man in a boat in the middle of a green blue sea and he's looking far away at something that he's never ever going to see again and behind him theres an angel holding a plum

the funny thing is that one day you're going to wake up and you're going to be me

and on that fateful morning maybe just maybe it will all make a little more sense

2005-05-27T14:35:00.000-04:00

it seems like theres no colour to your sadness

no tinge of teal or magenta to those many things that boil up inside you that you never ever seem to tell to anyone

it seems as though your heart is lacking colour

and i wonder whether or no automatic doors open for you anymore

it seems as though the sky is bluer than your eyes once were which doesn't make sense to me because you could outblue anything

the grass is perfectly manicured much like everything on you and i wonder what it is to be unkempt sometimes

with my rolled eyes i show you my distaste, with my speedy exit i show you that i think that most of this was a terrible

waste

of time

i want something to hold onto

something suitable to float on until this downpour subsides

i remember seeing your face in multiple pixels

i remember thinking that i have you but he has that

and i remember....i remember....i forgot

i can't be i can't be i don't know what i am or whether or not this makes sense

i often wonder if i'm just a phase

when oh when will i be outgrown

i would like to

i would like to

i'm going to

2005-05-23T21:08:00.000-04:00

click clack fast track i rhyme because i have nothing better to do currently

i'll write you a fifve hundred page science fiction novel written entirely about you, but it will be so shrouded in metaphor and simile that you won't be able to tell and it will remain my little secret

i often worry that i'm dying in one way or another and i probably am truth be told but i dunno i think we should go for frozen yogurt and maybe afterwards watch the stars and listen to say hi to your mom.

its raining and i want to go outside and spin and spin and spin and get really wet and feel cold and shocked and alive

i want to return soaked to the bone

i decided that i'm going to be a musician and be prolific and fantastic and i'll probably have groupie but i won't have sex with them because i believe in monogamy

theres no colour in your eyes anymore which makes me question everything and anything that i knew/know/will ever know

i'm thinking that dreams can sometimes not be as good as reality and i'm thinking and i'm thinking and i don't think that thinking is really all that good anymore

i'm thinking that action serves me better than thinking

i'm thinking that i need to do something impulsive

i'm thinking i'm gonna do something impulsive

i'm gonna do something impulsive

i went outside in the middle of the night and sat on these swings and i started swinging and swinging and swinging and didn't stop for anything. eventually the sun rose and i remembered a little what it means to watch a sunrise and the implications

were

startling

and on your dresser are books by authors you never really read and hair products that often keep you stylish but what is style when you don't have a heart

these sentences

they come from nowhere

i'm listening to that love inc song again because it reminds me of being little and innocent and excited and taking a really hot shower, wiping the steam off the mirror and wondering what i'm gonna be when i get older

i went and i sat in the middle of the road and the rain beat down on my back and the kids from across the street shot off fireworks that looked massive and terrifying because the water in my eyes made them look bigger than fiction

and for a minute everything

every single fucking thing

was very

very

climactic

2005-05-19T20:03:00.000-04:00

i don't know if i can but i'm trying i really am i swear that i'm trying

but i still don't really know

the night was crisp and clear and everything and i mean every little thing looked straight out of a movie

and i wish that i could have shown you exactly how the light looked as it silhouetted those trees

and i wish that i could properly describe how thick the dark was

and if i could tell you properly how the air was pregnant with the smell of jasmine i would

and if i could really describe how alive i felt and how real i felt for just one second i wish, god i'd kill to be able to tell you properly

because i often don't really feel very real

and when i see i see in longhand

and when i think i think in free-verse

and its unfortunate because sometimes i fear that i seem simple

but i'm actually making terrifyingly important calculations that may or may not have to do with the rotation of the earth, may or may not have to do with a secret midget propelling cannon the government is working on and may or may not save each and every one of your lives someday

one day i'm going to change the world

being static is being dead

i'm wondering what this silence means

i wish i could make a concotion in a blender with only natural ingredients to make my head be a-ok

lets go have a picnic beneath and angry statue of pierre trudeau

his frowning face can watch us as we eat grilled cheeses he really has no interest in

i'm on fire in a metaphorical metaphysical way

the monotony is beginning to take its toll

i think that one day i'm going to take a pocket of the night and open it up and wrap it around myself. fold myself into it into a nice neat something

and see where the fold in the night takes me

i

am

going

to

change

the

world

2005-05-17T12:10:00.000-04:00

i want to make a nostalgic reference to some year when i wasn't born

possibly a year when i wasn't even a glimmer in someones eye

like, 1978. i want to be nostalgic about a time when i didn't exist

i heard birds chirping at 4 am again last night

i want to go to the museum and have a playdate with the dinosaurs

i'd bring peanut butter and jelly but i'm allergic

maybe i'll make grilled cheese

this post feels terribly uninspired

i want to lie down in the middle of my street in the middle of the night and pretend that i'm the only person within a one hundred mile radius

one day i want to sleep in the middle of an art museum and maybe soak up all of the creativity and magic and maybe at some point really late in the night the people in the paintings could come out and play or maybe they'd invite me inside and i could be a part of the art because i think thats all i want to be really i think i just want to be a part of the art

be its limb

or appendage

agent

i don't know

wow do i ever not know

and i think not knowing is probably an okay way to be

but then again

maybe its not

as i previously stated

i

don't

know

i want to run somewhere far

somewhere really really really far

away

just get far far away from everything and run and run and run and run

and maybe write a story about it someday

i want desperately to be prolific. to mean something. i want to leave a mark or something. i don't want to be pastel. i don't want to be easily forgotten

when i die i want people to wonder how the hell that would be possible

because i always seemed to be so utterly immortal

2005-05-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

this is the part where common sense is supposed to kick in

sub popular beat poetry kick from 92-95

we could have been big-time
we could have been neon burning celebrity bright as anything

i would very much like an affirmation of normalcy

i think i want to die anonymous, away from everyone i know

because maybe just maybe that could spare them some sadness

summer nights are the only thing we'll ever want to know

let go let go let go

it'll be better for everyone once this is all said and done and the dust has settled

i don't want to be what i was before

overreact to this

betray something for once in your star spangled life

kick drum snared me from the get-go

this pen sucks

i often often fear i will die alone

contradict yourself once a day, its good for your illiococcal sphincter

i wrote her a song but she wasn't deserving of it and it took me so many years to figure that out.

it was in the middle of the afternoon and i had probably skipped art history yet again and i don't know why she was there and it didn't mean a thing to any party involved.

one time i'd like to follow up

follow-spotlight to the moon where your eyes shine eternal

i could be a poet if they let me

i like to hide my feelings from others because i don't want.....

because it scares me to no end to really let someone know me

this song reminds me of you as do most songs and you're getting inside of me and i hope thats okay

new order has a new record coming out

rock and roll

electronica pop recordings made to please you, me and your great uncle fred

this pen really does blow

we all used to dream about this place together

utopian super society where each and every street name is a cleverly made beatles reference.

on occasion we would listen to that velvet underground record with nico on it

we'd have trees. massive, enormous firs and poplars and spruces and maples

we would have our own tree and nobody would know it was ours but us.

we'd make smart aleck comments and get praise for it as per usual

the grass would be green and thick and some days we'd take off all our clothes and roll down hills and laugh at things only funny to us because we'd unwittingly become perfect

waterfountains with pineapple soda

in our big bay windows we'd hang pollocks and renoirs and degas and van goghs and dalis because we already know what outside looks like

the word utopia was created by thomas more to name his idea of a perfect society

it is the title of the book

we'd be perfect, we'd be perfect all of us

silhouetted sadness can creep through the blinds sometimes

can i examine your heart?

2005-05-14T18:30:00.000-04:00

i think that there is some sort of tropical storm brewing in my stomach

or maybe a tornado

or some sort of odd electromagnetic thing a la star trek

it'll have a really deep voice and shoot out electric shocks at the expendable characters.

i wish that i could make some sort of logical sense of what is up with my mind

it
needs
toshutthefuckup

exclamation point.

i'm in one of those "i should cut off contact with every single person i know and move to a small hamlet in the south of france" moods again

make wine

have all the villagers wonder who i am but i won't no i won't tell them

i'll never really tell them

and even if i do tell them whatever i tell them will be a lie.

they'll wonder whats the deal with that guy with the horribly accented french who runs along the river every morning and writes all day.

except they'll wonder it in french.

if i tell myslef not to think than maybe i won't and if i tell myself to be better than maybe i will and maybe i can beat myself into submission and maybe i can make something out of myself and maybe i can prove them wrong, no fuck that i can prove them wrong and will prove them wrong because i have to because if i don't they win and no fucking way am i letting them beat me in this.

end

quote.

2005-05-11T12:22:00.000-04:00

i can play the tambourine and you can play the harmonica

we'll steal a chimp from the zoo

he can be our dancing monkey

our dancing monkey

cause really, inevitably we're all someone's monkey sometime

cause really, inevitably, i'll probably dance for you at some point

but when we dance can etta james be playing in the background

and can there be rain and grey skies

and later on can i sit and play you something

something

anything

it'll be especially for you

your

ears

only

cause there are raindrops in my eyes and i'd very much like to see you

i think we should move to memphis

i think we should learn to play the blues

i would very much like to lay down on the cement and wait for the earth to smell like rain again

i would very much like to lay down and feel

feel

feel

that

inexplicably

just that.

they should write a book about me

or at least a graphic novel

the sun is shining and i actually get another day with you

life is swell.

2005-05-05T20:10:00.000-04:00

i think if i wanted to i could be an astrophysicist

i think i spelt that wrong

lets be ok i want to be ok i want nothing more than to be PERFECT again

you and me you and me

can we remember to forget about this

this isn't about you its about them and how they fucked me

this isn't about you

stop thinking its about you silly, you're more than perfect

i've got a kaleidoscope hidden in my pocket, and i can use it whenever

oh yes

whenever

i want

i can hear it crackling around me

i think i'm dying

i may be dying

i'm probably dead already

oh god i miss myself

one day they'll write a biography about me and it could be something interesting it could concievably be something worth reading

but don't believe the lies they try to feed you

the sun is setting and tomorrow i get my wisdom teeth out

2005-05-05T19:27:00.000-04:00

she used to live in an all white room
all white
all right
she's drawing pictures of places she's never seen
and probably never will
she's so prophetic yeah
so fucking prophetic
she's paintint watercolours on her wall that won't ever stay
i don't think she'll stay no, she's not gonna stay.
i'm slipping up
i'm slipping up
i'm slipping up
this feeling could be familliar or maybe its just a shadow
twitch twitch
blink twice and i'm gone
i don't remember this anymore
i'm breaking down i'm breaking down
we should we should
make something of ourselves
laid to waste by all of this
all of this
all of this
i repeat things in threes

2005-05-04T15:07:00.000-04:00

its a long drive down a dirt road canopied with trees

thanks for taking this evening stroll

i think this might have happened before

i would very much like to shoplift you some self esteem
i think we could pick up some courage at valu-mart
on sale for 19.99

you have the most beautiful eyes i think i have ever seen

i think i think too much

in this light we look really high class

in this light we look aristocratic

i could wear a suit and you could wear a dress and we could walk hand in hand looking aloof as cats to everybody lucky enough to see us

cause i feel lucky to see you

because you have the most beautiful eyes

the most beautiful eyes

the most beautiful eyes.

if i walk two steps back

then i

then i

then i

nevermind.

i feel big today

massive

impressively strong and large

like a monolith of some kind

i'm walking backwards through traffic on monday morning rush hour to see if i can smell their fear

i can be like that oh yeah i can be

i'm looking up at you boyishly with my curly hair falling into my eyes

i want to be a superhero

i want to be superheroic

i want to light up your night sky

only

the positive parts

are about

you.

2005-04-30T12:46:00.000-04:00

we used to live in this tiny house by a winding road
there was an oak tree
an oak tree
an oak tree.
we used to live in this tiny house by a winding road
we used to love in this tiny house by a winding road
i used to wake up in a tiny house by a winding road
i used to dream of other things in my tiny house
there was a portait of pop john paul the second
he often looked down at me while i sinned
we used to live in this tiny house by a winding road
and every sunday morning we would plant a new fruit tree
every sunday morning we would facilitate new life
every sunday morning i felt a little more like god
we used to live in this tiny house by a winding road
when i was there i still remembered
remembered
remembered
i've forgotten already
we used to liv in this tiny house by a winding road
we'd watch stars and moon on a flannel blanket and toast the cosmos with cheap champagne
wine-drunk and happy to be with her
we used to live in a tiny house by a winding road
and there i saw every shade of green
and there i remembered and forgot and woke up with a headache
shattered glass looks like tear-drops in the early morning light
we used to live in this tiny house by a winding road
but i forget how to get there now
we used to live in this tiny house by a winding road
but memories fade and so do you
i used to live in this tiny house by a winding road
but now....i no longer do
i often miss the moon.

2005-04-30T12:21:00.000-04:00

i often wish that i could attache some form of tap to my stomach and drain out everything that i feel

cause sometimes feeling this much can get tiresome and painful and i wish i wish i wish

i feel like i'm spiralling towards something

before?

fuck please not before

anything but before

i fear before more than i fear anything

save me

please

somebody

anybody

save me

2005-04-30T12:00:00.000-04:00

i couldn't sleep last night

toss turn toss turn

"i never sleep on my left side whythefuck am i on my left side"

what the hell am i going to do.

2005-04-30T00:36:00.000-04:00

i've been having disconcerting dreams as of late

my head hurt my head hurt my head hurts

its greener than that here

i can feel things more acutely

its 12:38 and i am without her

its 12:38 and its cool outside

its 12:38 and i wish i wish i wish

my head is turning and churning and learning

i am the king of rhyme

we're planning to execute someone who doesn't even exist

oh yeah we're making plans plans plans

you ride shotgun and she'll drive the vespa and i'll sit in the sidecar while we talk about the russian revolution

who gives a shit

i do

you might

tomorrow morning i'm waking up at 6 am and i'm gonna go for a run and watch the sunrise and maybe just maybe feel connected and maybe just maybe feel alive and maybe just maybe feel whole for just one second cause baby thats all i need

i wanna be the pretty boy frontman

i'm here now and you're there and soon you won't be and i hope to god thats ok

i need to express

something

something

anything

my heart is so full it could burst

i used to only go running when i was upset. i'd run as fast as i could and see if i could run faster than myself. see if i could outrun myself and get away away away

you never outrun yourself. you should probably just learn to motor along with yourself. love me love me do

i need to write a novel for her to properly express how she makes every single day of my life better for her simple existence in it.

i need to make my brain relax for about five minutes

i

need......

what?

to exhale.

2005-04-23T02:24:00.000-04:00

it's because when the morning sky fills up with light sometimes it can't hold it anymore.

so it spills out like milk from a bowl of cheerios your bringing to your baby brother in his highchair

and you wipe it up off the floor using paper towel but what oh what will act as your paper towel today

i think i may be out of ideas

i think my brain may be tired

i did mushrooms and tripped out at york all day on 4:20

everything was so green

cause in a state like that everything is so startlingly simple yet incomprehensibly large and there were buildings that looked like totalitarian regimes and there was bright bright miles of grass and there were people and i always forget about them because sometimes i forget that i am one of them

the other day i was walking with evan and i said to him "people are so fucking interesting, i hope i can be one someday"

i don't know why i said that

i wasn't trying in any way to be clever.

it just sort of came out.

i don't know if that makes any sense

she's sitting on her bed studying and i'm using her computer to write this because i don't have to study

she sits there all intent on making notes with her brow scrunched up just so and i can see the wheels turning and i can see the lightning flickering and i can see far too much in her eyes

and i can see evvvvvvverything in her eyes

and i type type type type type

and it's 2 30 in the morning and i'm not at all tired

i'm wondering whether or not i wanna keep doing acting or if i wanna switch totally and do something academic and like, i dunno, be a lawyer or a writer or something.

the streets below us are quiet

light splashes from streetlamps onto our faces as we look at the stars and we sing and we sing and we sing solely for the joy of singing it

we sing and we don't know the words

we sing for you and for you and for you

i want desperately to express something

i want desperately to feel something

i want desperately to be something

lets change the world

lets change the world

lets change the world

i'm gonna go kiss her now because there are so few opportunities for me to do so.

2005-04-16T02:20:00.000-04:00

i don't really remember

but it may or may not have been bright

and it may or may not have been full of glory

and i may or may not know what in gods name i'm going to do

where am i right now?

my suitcase is packed and i only took hawaiian shirts and shorts

how can i go home with nothing to say

with this and that and those who came through this with us

only the better twirlers will pass on

could someone please tell me where i am right now?

my hear encapsulated in a guitar riff

my mind is full of chemicals

is there a map anywhere around here?

its funny how we change so fast without us even realizing it

i'm sorry i've been busy with school for so long

heart heart heart heart heart

i shold have seen it

i should have realized it

i'm going going going out of the park i love you

and i move on

and up

and out

and goodbye you and you and you

and hello to you

move up

i wish someone could tell me wher i am right now

2005-04-12T11:14:00.000-04:00

my play went well.

i don't remember much of friday night

started drinking as soon as i got offstage

red wine and i are delicious glorious friends

guavas.....delicious

i have work to do and i'll entertain you again soon

2005-04-06T00:29:00.000-04:00

lord_of_the_platipi@hotmail.com

if you want to be friends then add me to msn or something.

bahahahaha

my show is this week

kreon....here i come.

2005-04-05T00:14:00.000-04:00

If we all perceive the world in a different light
Then I’m amber blue evenflow by the ocean
Right hand writes right
Here I am here I be here I’m me
“mill gains important investement”
This matters? What matters? You matter
Matter of fact you do
Poetry in motion
Poesy potion
I can drink it and funnel it like Canadian from a keg on new years eve
Shadows interplay on the paper and on the ground and on my heart
A shadow is an obstruction of light
But a shadow can change perspective
And I can change your paradigm
Woodgrain, multigrain, whole wheat vegan soul
Toil in the soil of the earth
Apparently I like rhyming
If he is dying and we’re singing his requiem then who will immortalize us when we’re gone
Remember me in technicolour
Remember me bright
Memory like ink stains on a ninja turtles pencil case from grades 2-3
I’ve come undone
I’ve come together
Solace in quiet, solace in mind, solace in my mind, arts for arts sake I create so someday you will feel whole for just a millisecond
Here
We
Are
As
We
Are
And as we were meant to be.

for evan

2005-04-03T01:54:00.000-05:00

i no longer wish to be anything

i only want to be

just be comfortable and complacent and contended with being

i feel lost

so fucking lost

i hope that i can find myself soon

selling my sense for 54 cents a litre

goodnight moon

2005-04-02T01:07:00.000-05:00

in a while my heart will explode all over you

and you will be covered with me

bathed in me

and i wonder i wonder i wonder i wonder if i'll make a little more sense to you

nicotine is a dark friend of mine

and i don't want to know the answer to my question i shouldn't ask things

i shoudln't think things

why do i think the things i think

what in gods name is going on in this mind of mine

my head and my heart hurts

and someone stole my ipod.

i feel like this week has been pretty weak

oh man i'm clever

soooooo clever

i'm exhausted

and i don't get a weekend this week

but thats ok cause thats the life of an actor

i havent got the time to remember how it used to be

perhaps i need to find it

tonight we made friends with clowns on queen street.

they had noses and wigs and face paint and they said i looked like hunter s. thompson because i was wearing a cordouroy jacket and have long hair and was wearing aviators and smoking a cigarette.

we paraded with them to the rivoli

tomorrow i will swallow a cannister of gasoline and will spit it up with a lighter held directly in front of my mouth

tomorrow will burn bright

2005-04-02T00:49:00.000-05:00

i'm going slowly and faster and faster

and maybe just maybe my beat poetry is minorly boring

i have a cue to cue in 11 hours

i dont understand i dont understand i dont understand

i feel really lost and confused and in need of something something anything

suckle me mount kithaeron, mother me

(oedipus rex reference is lost on the masses)

if you ask if you ask if you ask me

im listening to bloc party because im hip and like british indie rock

i'm not getting intoxicated in any way until show

which is highly unfortunate because i really wish i was effed up right now

i think i may audition for lord of the rings as a terrible sick joke

i mean, i've got long flowing hair and bright blue eyes and i look boyish

i could fully be a hobbit

i've got hairy feet

sorry

that was an overshare

fuck it, decidedly i must burn it down. house= brought down

crunch time bitches

2005-04-01T08:45:00.000-05:00

this morning i woke up with this lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach.

i'm listning to love inc for some reason unbeknownst to anyone

i don't like today today.

2005-04-01T00:44:00.000-05:00

im currently eating english muffins and drinking orange juice and being uninspired

i could use a creative burst....

i could use something to wake my soul up

i could use something to remind me how i used to do it

and why i used to do it

and why i'm doing it now

i could use a reason

maybe because i'm never more alive than when they're all watching me

maybe because you can climb out of yourself into someone else

maybe because i am KAH-RAZY

school is almost done and i thank all the gods on olympus that that is so

i'm in antigone and jokasta at ryerson theatre school on the 6th 7th and 8th of april

you should probably come watch

i have no creative energy right now

cynthia (acting teacher) insulted my manhood last night so i stayed in the theatre school till 2 in the morning rehearsing and changing things

this may be killing me.

2005-03-29T13:28:00.000-05:00

you're swell

2005-03-29T01:31:00.000-05:00

i really wish you were listning to william shatner's version of "common people" by pulp. cause if you were you would know exactly why i'm smiling right now.

2005-03-29T01:17:00.000-05:00

i want to go out dancing

i want to dance away my resignations

i want to dance out my motivations

and dance dance revolution my way into something other than this

apparently when your on the verge of creative breakthough you’re supposed to feel lost

well

i

am

lost

she died in a hospital room in southern California and you my friend weep for the fragility of all of us

you weep for the fragility of life itself

you weep for the fragility of your shattered glass heart

and I weep for you because too much tragedy befalls one person

miles away and miles away and thought patterns away

i

weep

its one of those nights again

one of those

warm open up drown out the silence with white noise of the wind in your ears nights

one of those run run run as fast as you can kid because maybe you’re soul won’t be able to keep in stride with you nights

one of those I love you and I miss you nights

earl grey vanilla and a phone conversation

dark metropolitan concrete speckled with far too much humanity

i want to live in a city

i want to live in a city

there are so many people and so many stories and I can’t keep up with it because if i could my brain would be bigger than my body

like the way my soul is to big for my body and I want to share it with each and every one of you

i would very much like to have a picnic with anyone reading this.

i would very much like a salad and a sunny day

i would very much like freedom

i would very much like to be in her bed sipping my tea as I watch her type and I watch that beautiful mind work

i would very much like to be seeing her bit her lip as she thinks

this summer is going to kick fucking ass

END QUOTE

2005-03-28T21:25:00.000-05:00

i am going to go to the theatre school to rehearse.

someone got shot in the apartment building directly beside said theatre school

i love going to school in downtown toronto.

if i'm not back in two hours, notify the proper authorites.

2005-03-23T13:40:00.000-05:00

i am currently putting words down in an electronic medium

you, in turn, will read these words

and together, you and i have created something

some

thing

relax relax relax

don't worry

let the words take me on a ride

stop trying

i refuse

to try.

2005-03-22T21:25:00.000-05:00

if you're going to bury me make sure that you bury me incredible deep

bury me where there will be no chance of finding me when people dig up my graveyard in order to make room for a shopping mall or a space-mall or something oddly Phillip K. Dick-ian futuristic.

bury me so deep that no one will ever remember

i'm feeling deseperate

i'm unhappy with me today

today was a beautiful day

today i felt inadequate

today i am going to go to the theatre school and cry alone in some room

and nobody

not nobody

will know about it.

i will figure it out

i will be brilliant

i will make your hearts ache and your souls weep

believe in me believe in me believe in me

please

for the love of god believe in me

for once tell me that i'm brilliant. for once praise me. for once tell me that I AM GOOD.

THAT I CAN DO THIS

I CAN DO THIS

I CAN

I CAN

and i will

you will kill or be killed

its about progress

well now

i

have

a

taste

for

blood

theatre school i hate you

theatre school, it is right now that i will prove you wrong

theatre school, get ready for your hearts to bleed

theatre school....i'm finally out for blood

2005-03-21T19:34:00.000-05:00

i think that elevators are some of the most uncomfortable places on earth.

too much tension in one little metal room

i'll meet you and 4th and vine

i'll meet you where i said

i'll meet you where i

where you

were we?

bend me back and sling me forward like an elastic band

bend me backwards

i'm building a sandcastle on the freeway at 3:49 a.m

i have to register for courses on the internet

the intra net

the world wide web.

so many synonyms

i some day want to be synonymous with something. but something good. not like, spoiled milk.....

or leprosy.

one day i want to be brilliant

one day i want to stand there and have their adoration and praise

i want them to fear for their souls

i want them to wonder how life could be represented so accurately

love me

tell me that i deserve to be here

tell me that i belong here

tell me that i astound you

and off into the dark night i go to work and work and work

i'm classic

i'm chock full of class

this is a technicolour dream

this is a creative burst

this is

my life

2005-03-21T01:22:00.000-05:00

i've got that look in my eyes again

suddenly is sooner than you think (thanks dntel)

justine got high for her first time on st. patricks day

SHOUT OUT GIVEN

i have this little thing on my wall that bruce lee had hung up on the outside of his house.

the day it fell off he died.

i hope mine doesn't fall.

its snowing lightly outside and i am without her

3 hour phone calls

here i am here i am and here is where i will be for quite a while

here i am and here i belong

can i keep you?

my roomate gave me 700 nintendo games for my computer

i tried to post earlier this weekend but blogger was being a cock-fuck.

i'm currently oscillating in an attractive fashion

i'm sorry, but your grandmother does not have a computer in heaven

when i die, i do not want my tribute to be something meaningless

not fancy, but don't make it cheap

MY MIND IS OPEN BUT YOUR HEART IS CLOSED

i love each and every one of you in your own special way

exeunt

2005-03-19T03:57:00.000-05:00

how can i love you if i don't love myself

its cloudy in my head tonight

its 3:56 am and i wish that i had been there

its 3:56 am and i'm glad i am here

it 3:56 am and i just might be losing my mind

i wonder why i feel like this at this moment in time

there are people in my living room and i don't know who they are

how can i love you if i don't love myself

too

many

falsities

i'm not sure where i am right now

i think i'm lost

can someone direct me to the nearest information kiosk?

i need something

i need something

anything

please

please?

i suppose not.

isn't it funny how we've both lost

how we've both

how i've

its me.

suddenly is sooner than you think.

the blue flecked concrete smiles back at me

and i have a pilates class in 8 hours

sleep becomes me

sleep envelopes me

i honestly don't know where i am right now

2005-03-18T18:50:00.000-05:00

scatter my ashes somewhere pure

then scatter some of them somewhere dirty

scatter them somewhere clean and new

scatter them somewhere old and built up

scatter them on cobblestone

on wrought iron

on well trodden paths

scatter them where they can get on the bottoms of peoples shoes

scatter them in the jetstream

scatter them into the sea

scatter them on the archipelago

scatter them where starlight brings out the shape of her cheekbones

scatter them among pines and firs

scatter them among skyscrapers and neon lights

scatter me

among you.

2005-03-18T03:50:00.000-05:00

currently i am high and eating english muffins with havarti cheese melted on it and i'm listening to iron and wine and talking to my true true realy perfect love and if you could be where i am you wouldn't use punctuation either

DON'T HATE ON THE WICKEDNESS

i enjoyed so many people's company tonight.

and imac came. he was supposed to write an essay. but instead he was wicked.

its ambient and flows over me like water and sand

it flow over me as the palm trees slowly sway

it flows over me like my dreams.

i suppose that my brain is currently clouded and perhaps this won't be as profound as it seems right now in the morning.

but i also don't care.

(i thumb my nose at the general populace)

i'm as profound as i should be at this moment

i'm as perfect as i can and will ever be

i love her

and she apparently is quite the fan of me

i

am

finally

happy.

2005-03-17T02:49:00.000-05:00

everything i see is poetry. everything. from the way the light reflects on the bottle of tanqueray, to my messy, messy kitchen, to my roomate/brother sitting and playing the gee-tar, to the way the light shines on her shoulders. every. single. thing.

2005-03-17T01:00:00.000-05:00

if we're all ashes and we all become dust then

who

wants

to

float in the wind with me?

2005-03-17T00:31:00.000-05:00

my dreams are not even wet yet

my dreams are big and broad and blue as the day sky

i'm not waking up yet i'm not waking up yet

lets dirty our feet in the earth beneath us

there is no up without down

i'm training a den of lions to protect me from assassins with M-16's

i'm training my mind to protect me from them

let's turn a phrase

kiss me before the sky falls

i can see support girders cracking

i can see my resolve cracking

they can smell it on you

apparently i don't believe in punctuation.

apparently i don't believe in your resolve encapsulated in a single moment

apparently you have to prove it all to me

be brilliant

i hope to god that i never become like them.

if i'm sitting above looking at the city below am i a god and are they ants?

you love me you love me you do

repitition is the key to success.

thank you for reading this.

pat yourself on the back for being so hip and go buy yourself a slice of lemon merangue pie.

tell them to put it on my tab.

2005-03-15T22:00:00.000-05:00

i'm currently in the process of spontaneously combusting

WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE FIRST TO THE LIFEBOATS YOU SELFISH COCK FUCK

2005-03-15T20:35:00.000-05:00

i'll meet you where the silver bullet moon meets the idea filled head of the earth

i'm torn asunder

i'm up and down and all that in between

you can't be you can't be you'll never.

jack frost is painting intricate mosaics on my window while im slowly falling

falling

down.

i did not like that last sentence.

she's mad cause he uses colloquialisms

the kettle is boiling and i can hear her singing

its thick dark outside. the kind of dark you wade through.

nighttime feels lonely

i want to stand at the top of a really tall building and yell down.

i want to be higher than anyone else

i want to see things that only i can see

come to see it

come and keep your mind open so i can jump right in

i wish i was wearing a top hat

lets dress up pretty and go eat at wendy's

i'll wear my pinstripe suit

you can wear a dress i've never ever seen before

lets be unorthodox

thank you

for all the things you never will even know about

sitting under the stone archway smoking a cigarette watching the sun and the people and the life and the blatancy of our own fragility

i think we're perfect

2005-03-15T00:40:00.000-05:00

on my desk there is:
A.) An "Incredibles" Kleenex box
B.) A race car
C.) My Ipod
D.) My computer
E.) 1.4 Litres of vodka
F.) Owen Pallet's Cd Jacket

G.) A small prototype universe for a science fair project
H.) A shitty techno cd i bought at Sam The Record Man for 99 cents
I.) Peacock feathers

J.) The cage for my pet monkey Bobo
K.) Gold Boullion
L.) The original cast of Broadway's "Rent"
M.) Love
N.) My buddha bracelet (for good luck)
M.) The dagger I got from the Maori tribesman I killed while on a covert mission in Papua New Guinea

O.) Your great-great grandmother's gold tooth
P.) Your shame and well being
Q.) My creativity
R.) The letter P
S. A black tabby cat named Cocamo
T.) Monogamy
U.) The thumbs of the Chinese Ping Pong team
V.) A Stanley brand stapler
W.) Eye Patch (real pirate fashion)
X.) A crab apple I picked while really high on mushrooms
Y.) New Years Day
Z.) A small figure of Richard Nixon giving the finger

2005-03-14T19:36:00.000-05:00

sometimes i feel like i'm the lonliest boy on earth.

sometimes i feel like i am the only only only only one who ever thinks

like

this.

i love you.

the night air is warm and i will walk there and i will work my ass off and i will pretend that for one moment that i belong here.

i will pretend that i will be

long

i won't long for it cause i will know

sometimes, when it's really late i walk down yonge street. and there are no people. there are no cars. it's empty

on those nights i feel like i'm the only person left in the world

on those nights i feel like

i feel like

i don't know what i feel like

you are the most bone white star in my inky black sky

you've got pianist's fingers

you've got pianist's fingers

out under the stars

she smiles

i smile with her

2005-03-14T15:37:00.000-05:00

we will be pioneers

we will explore the uncharted

i am something i am something

together we will walk hand in hand over crystal waters

together we will walk hand in hand over my grave

i've been watching too much six feet under.

if i could still be there i would

i haven't laughed that legitimately for a long long time

your eyes are music

i want to roll out of bed and walk outside wearing only a pair of jeans and smoke a cigarette while contemplating everything and anything that goes on behind closed doors

next jimmy dean baby

next jimmy dean.

2005-03-09T14:03:00.000-05:00

do you remember it or has it faded from your memory like hot breath on cold glass.

fading

fading

faded

out.

i'm here and thats where i want to be.

2005-03-09T13:54:00.000-05:00

last night i wrote and sang a lullaby for her before she went off into the night to sleep and to dream.

today i have rehearsal from like, 3 pm to at least 10 pm.

i am a workhorse

i am a workbench

i am my grandfathers grandson.

and that means, perhaps more than you shall ever know.

but kids, you never will really know.

such is the beauty of the anonymous internet

tony pierce linked me.

i do not understand why.

im drinking orange juice on a sunny day in toronto and i wish it was summer

i wish for green and gold and wispy white clouds

i wish for the love that summer will bring

i wish for sunday drives with the windows down and David Gray on the stereo

i wish for a technicolour life.

2005-03-08T14:40:00.000-05:00

i'm wearing a pair of spectacles and hiding behind them.

i'm clark gable.

i realized that i had a bottle of coke on my floor, and i hate coke. i don't really do soft drinks. but i had the overwhelming urge to try it. so i did. coca-cola reminds me of being like, 11 or 12 and driving to visit my grandmother and getting mcdonalds. and driving up through the country with green hills and silver blue water and listening to my discman and being wholly completely innocent.

and those fuckers own santa claus.

taken out of context, those could be hurtful words.

i'll take you as far out of context as possible.

dream with me.

2005-03-07T23:43:00.000-05:00

babble on and dress us up in white and black

tie us up in simplistic paradigms

there are too many voices in my head

lets have a tea party.

i think that it would be interesting to be fit into a a category. in a cubby hole. the kind that you used to put your shoes in when you were in kindergarten.

i want to try a sensory deprivation tank.

when i die i want to be split apart into a million different pieces and delivered to a million different places.

solely so i can be everywhere at once.

good evening.

2005-03-07T20:45:00.000-05:00

my guts are clenched and i have something to say but i do not know what it is.

i wish i could

i wish i could

be.

just for once be.

there are no shadows on the moon.

there is no moon.

you could be the moon.

fly with me.

2005-03-07T15:11:00.000-05:00

the sky is a big grey bowl and i'm sitting in front of my keyboard typing out whatever and ever and ever it is that comes out.

if this is love i will take it and put it in a locket and wear it like a keepsake.

i could for the sake of keeping it.

i think i need to learn how to write in something other than poetic sentence fragments.

i am witty.

i am blind.

i hope to one day be big and monumental and fantastic.

i would very much like to inspire awe.

i am a musical instrument.

i can be a symphony.

for you i am a symphony

for you i am a philharmonic

for you i am

i am

iamb

beat

beat

beat

composition

i am a modern day shakespeare

shaka spurr in looooooooove.

2005-03-07T03:12:00.000-05:00

i want to be the hero in your sky. lets watch the wind together and talk about pablo neruda and eat a packed picnic lunch. lets hear whats here. lets play with words like play doh. i can't take my eyes off of you. you're light.

lets watch satellites.

lets make up stupid theological questions in the attempt to be obscenely intellectual.

i believe in you.

can we watch fireworks on a green hill. nitrogen green after recent rain.

im sitting on a wall and watching a bustling metropolis.

you have beautiful eyes.

distance is neither here nor there but you are there and i am here.

i'm looking forward to sunlight.

i'm looking forward to starlight.

i'm looking

at you

as per usual

and what i see is brilliant

and what i see is nothing short of awe inspiring

my awe is inspired

my jaw is dropped

good night moon

suede pillows are a poor substitute

and waking up with you

is perfect

you're perfect

thanks for being around

i wish that i could be with you right now at this exact moment in my life.

2005-03-06T02:40:00.000-05:00

i can break down barriers.

i can drive to montreal or make reference to some other sort of canadian place.

i can make an obscure canadian reference. i can enjoy the song bobcaygeon by the tragically hip.

i can be whatever and ever and ever you want me to be.

my heart is malleable.

sometimes i worry that i'm actually crazy. or if i'm normal.

there really is no such thing as normal now, is there.

i can be anything i can be anything.

i would like to be able to arrange myself in a nice neat perfect order. i would like to put myselves in colour coded shelves. i would like very much to be alphabetized and kept freshly pressed until i need to use it once more.

and i think that perhaps if i was a little more bold i'd be a little more better.

and i also realized that saying more better is grammatically incorrect you bastards.

i'm punk rock.

i am sultry.

i am the bottom half of a rock. the part underneath which is the soil and the life and the mean dirty grit. i wish i could for once dip myself into the real dirty grit of it all.

i do not want to return unscathed.

i want my hands to be caked with mud and dirt.

i want my white t shirt to require lots and lots of Tide

in my blood flows lies and stars and this and that and for once i could really

be

there.

i could be i could be anything.

my stream of consciousness is getting a little old but that doesnt matter because you still want to make out with me. which is really all that matters.

my single bed has dr.seuss blankets on it.

for once i can be perfect.

but i can't see it.

maybe she can.

or then again perhaps she can't

some thoughts should be taken and tucked away in your back pocket. some thoughts should be left for rainy days. some thoughts should be entirely disregarded, but those thoughts generally stick onto you like watermelon flavoured bubblegum on the bottom of your shoe.

in that room i truly wish i belonged. in that room i was sillhouetted by candles and i wish that that could be where i ended up. i want a bongo solo. i want a rush of blood to the head.

be something.

be anything.

be you.

today i have decided to be someone completely different than myself.

today i decided that my previous idea was stupid and childish.

are you awake right now?

im being self indulgent again.

i wish now for a more dangerous life.

i wish now for natural highs.

i wish now for something something anything.

i wish now for a jumble of adjectives to please you.

i will spend a lazy sunday without her.

i will spend a lazy sunday reading and rehearsing and listening to owen pallet because i'm hip and i live in toronto.

be something.

i am inspired by the way you smile.

i am inspired

i am inspired.

i could be

i could be

i am

i am.

2005-03-03T01:05:00.000-05:00

if i could figure all this out i suppose there would be nothing at all interesting anymore

i'm far to tired of writing contrived poetry about the sun and the moon and how it feels to rise each day in this concrete fiefdom of many many corportations

somtimes i think that my life is an absurdist play

or possibly a commercial spot for coca cola.

one of the two.

when i was on mushrooms i really didn't like myself

my desk has a toy car and a box of kleenex with "the incredibles" on it.

sometimes i wonder if i'm still 11 years old and i'm just having a really intense dream of what its like to grow up

sometimes i wonder if i'll wake up one day and everything that i knew was just fantasy. i'll wake up in a room with dancing teddy bears playing musical instruments and maybe, just maybe i'll be wiser. maybe, just maybe i'll be able to save myself from things i wish i could have left earlier than i had.

but, without experience, would i still be the same person

am i anything but just a sum of my experiences?

i wish i could fly. i wish i could skim above all of those skyscrapers and apartment buildings and float over smokestacks and neon lights.

i wish i could go past the second star and straigh on to morning.

i wish that i could wholely, truly believe in myself again

i wish i could have the blind dumb confidence of someone who has never been told that he can't

i wish i could make their jaws drop at the bright, shining glory that they see before them.

every night, after rehearsal, i go find a room in the theatre school, and i work by myself. today it was just some storage room. but i was in there for an hour an a half going over my monologue again and again and again.

i feel philosophical and somewhat sad

i feel like walking

i wish i had someone to walk with

but its 1:16 in the morning and i'm sitting in front of my computer because its goddamn cold outside and i had much physical activity today.

maybe i can get as far with my fingers as i can with my feet.

maybe by doing this i can go as far as i need to go and as deep as i need to go.

maybe i can dig to the centre of the earth

stop.....watch

stop...watch

stop..watch

stopwatch

stop watching.

if i were an elephant i would forget, solely to go against the stereotype

i do not believe in pidgeonholing myself

i do not believe in spellcheck

i do not believe that anyone can tell anyone else what to do

i do not believe in them

i do not believe in myself (but i do)

i do not believe that they can gauge your worth

i do not believe in tony pierce anymore

there, i said it.

i felt it needed to be said.

i am the most confident man in the world

i am a mouse in a world of cats

i am a lightning bolt

i am the obligatory clap after a play

i am the non obligatory standing ovation

she is sunlight and i am content to bathe in her

she is a puzzle piece that fell under the couch but was finally found

she is fresh air

i am a bad metaphor

i'm am a shitty simile

i am exactly what you always wished you could be

i am an 11 year old boy who is too big for his britches

i am too big for my britches

i have a chip on my shoulder

sledgehammers appreciated.

i feel like i should have ended this post a long time ago but i didnt and i'm going to subject you to a long run on sentence with no punctuation because i am the epitome yes the epitome of punk rock

i think we're all too fragile and all too convinced of our immortality

i think i'm going to live forever

i think i'm indestructible

i think your indestructible

no one can break us but ourselves

nobody

not them

not her

not him

no subject in a sentence other than you

so lets man up

shall we break barriers?

shall we be something

lets be something

do something

something of note

i've always wanted to be something of note

note me

might as well get a head start

i am convinced that my friends and i will change the world

if you are to be what you are to be you will be it

so.......

just be

2005-02-04T01:19:00.000-05:00

my friend i am sorry for this and for that and for all of eternities sunshines and spotless minds

my friend i am sorry for the stars and the sky and the too black night

my friend i am sorry for the sunrise and the heartache it causes

my friend i am sorry for bloodshed and woodshed and my grandfathers workbench

my friend i am sorry for all of this pain and this dark and this cold

my friend i cannot believe that such things happen before our eyes

my friend where have you gone

my friend i need you here

my friend, my selfishness takes hold of me

my friend forgive me

my friend, absolve me

my friend let it be let it be let it be

my friend, lets leave on a yellow submarine

my friend lets fly away

my friend remember me in red shorts and little boy hair

my friend remember me when i'm gone

my friend remember

my friend give me your heart and let me empty it like a wastepaper basket

my friend let me fix it

my friend, can i fix it

my friend i fear i can't

my friend i miss bikerides and laser pointers and waterguns and ankle injuries from b ball

my friend i fear i will fade away someday

my friend i'm afraid of tomorrow because i can never concentrate on now

my friend i am suspended between two poles and i'm scared i may fall

my friend will we be the same again

my friend we've come so far and i feel as though i've fallen so short

my friend i want you to dance on my grave

my friend, i implore you to charleston

my friend, i may be floating away like a balloon

my friend i want to go where no cars plane or space ships go

my friend kindess thou art a wickedness and i am wicked and you are pure

my friend your poetry brings me tears

my friend

my friend.

2005-02-03T23:35:00.000-05:00

see, its cause i can't properly express myself in words a lot of the time. i suppose i'd say it but in saying it it leaves me open and being open leaves me weak but being weak with you i think would not necessarily be evil. in fact im sure it would not. which leads me to question many things. cause really, if i can actually just be for a bit, won't i just explode into a fiery ball of light?

very often when i leave that building i wonder what it is that would happen if i were to just walk straight instead of turning right. i wonder what would happen if i was to hail a taxi and then tell them to take me to the airport and then buy a ticket and just not......tell.......anybody. not you or you or you or even her. although i should probably tell her.

and yet, every time, i still turn right.

i'm in one of those moods again when its so tempting just to put on my jacket, stick on my ipod and walk through the concrete shod streets that are ever so lonely in this gotham i call home or pseudo home or home for the moment or home of my self but which self is it that i'm talking about

way too many selves

we were discussing in acting class today how we really always just present ourselves. just different versions of ourselves. and therefore, what is self. is there really any such thing?

these are the questions that plague me on a thursday night when its 11:42 pm and i should be rehearsing a monologue or talking to my unbelievable girlfriend who may or may not be fiction or chilling with imac and megan or doing something anything something please let there be something what is something who is something am i something to you? is this something anything or have i given you a headache yet.

and this is where i exit in a cloud of smoke because i can do that on the internet.

its like a digital smokebomb a la the ninja turtles movies.

2005-01-26T01:38:00.000-05:00

when you speak, you always say, you say stuff, but me, i just say yeah

its up to you and me and the way we react

disco never really died, it just went underground hiding for a while.

2005-01-17T23:20:00.000-05:00

Funkmaster Robby K- Too late tonight, I'm gone and your miles ahead and I'm lost says:
IAN YOU SMELL LIKE OVARIES

rainbirds says:
and you reek of placenta.

rainbirds says:
(thanks!)

Funkmaster Robby K- Too late tonight, I'm gone and your miles ahead and I'm lost says:
(thank you!)

rainbirds says:
(shoots you a wink)

Funkmaster Robby K- dissasemble my despair, it never took me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink says:(wink emoticon)

rainbirds says:
(melts into a pile of ovary stench)

Funkmaster Robby K- dissasemble my despair, it never took me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink says:
(takes out spoon from coat pocket, proceeds to eat delicious ovarian ian)

rainbirds says:
(suddenly sublimates)

rainbirds says:
I AM SOLID OVARIAN IAN!

rainbirds says:
I ONCE WAS LIQUID

rainbirds says:
AND IN FACT, GASEOUS

rainbirds says:
BUT NOW, NOWWWWWWW

rainbirds says:
I AM SOLID AGAIN!

Funkmaster Robby K- dissasemble my despair, it never took me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink says:
(continues to chew on arm as speech is said emphatically)

rainbirds says:
(shimmies)

Funkmaster Robby K- dissasemble my despair, it never took me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink says:
(stops eating and joins shimmy. buddy holly comes out and plays a tune)

rainbirds says:
(droopy dog busts through the window and stops the whole glorious proceeding, much to our chagrin)

Funkmaster Robby K- dissasemble my despair, it never took me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink says:
(rob takes out shotgun, shoots droopy dog in the chest, ian and rob shimmy over dog's dead body)

rainbirds says:
(buddy holly puts droopy on his guitar, which he uses as a forno oven cooking sheet, goes to the kitchen and fries us a nice cartoon roast.)

Funkmaster Robby K- dissasemble my despair, it never took me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink says:
(rob, ian, and buddy holly feast while drinking sauvingnon blanc and chatting about economics on the south asian rim)

rainbirds says:
(once they are good and sloshed, buddy does a tap-dancing rendition of the "chariots of fire" theme song, to which a brass band plays tribute on national television. rob and ian sit stupefied as they are thrust into international stardom, with personal masseuses, manicurists and moustache-waxers. the many adoring female fans are naturally cast aside for the ladies of the hour, miss kristi and

rainbirds says:
miss pattyrice, who reign on thrones of platinum and travel with (ironically enough) blazing golden and diamond chariots)

Funkmaster Robby K- dissasemble my despair, it never took me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink says:
(rob and ian get enormous estates in the o.c right beside eachother and have fondue dinners every sunday night. princess pattyrice and princess kristi become good friends and start an art gallery together. rob and ian are voted sexiest men alive until they turn 77)

rainbirds says:
(and then princess patty calls ian and he must go speak with her)
Funkmaster Robby K- dissasemble my despair, it never took me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink says:
(rob understands, and supports ians decision)

Funkmaster Robby K- dissasemble my despair, it never took me anywhere, it never once bought me a drink says:
(exeunt, ian)

2005-01-14T01:50:00.000-05:00

sometimes i think i should make like flu and start a secret blog. i probably will, in all honesty, because i censor myself. which is the exact opposite of what i should be doing. food pour thought.

i've started to take the "fuck it" attitude towards school. not in the "not go to class, don't do work" way. in the "these bastards can think whatever they want, i'm going to enjoy myself." and i have been

in other news, i applied to other universities on the weekend. york, queens, uoft(aka asia, aka the place that fun forgot)and windsor. so yeah.

this is a boring post.

i've written the majority of this sitting backwards on a chair sort of dangling myself over my keyboard.

i was walking down the street the other day and i was spellbound by the urban jungle that sprawled before me. there were street tigers and rhinos and panthers. the acid jungle rain fell on me and made my mop of hair wet. it fell over my eye and continued to fall over my nose and lips and chin until i looked like cousin it which was weird because my hair is just a bit shaggy and curly. not super long. acid rain fucks you up.

i'm currently sitting in a room in a building that houses 549 other people. kinda funny how many stories there are in this big concrete block.

I
AM
UNINSPIRED.

and for this i apologize.

2005-01-07T09:41:00.000-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-01-06T15:47:00.000-05:00

the sky is grey and so are her eyes. which is sad because they once were as blue as robins eggs.

2004-12-15T13:55:00.000-05:00

i have a few things to say.

thing the first:

Fuck Ryerson Universities Theatre School.

Fuck it in its stupid pretentious ass.

Fuck it's shitty facilities and two faced professors.

Well, not all of them are two faced, there's really one in particular.

Fuck him.

Fuck anybody who tells you that you can't do what you love.

Fuck anybody who presumes things about you.

Fuck anybody who doesn't believe in you.

Fuck teachers who can't teach.

Fuck liars.

Fuck shitty rap music.

Fuck capitalism.

Fuck money, because all that shit does is get you in trouble.

Fuck the way I feel right now.

Actually, scratch that.

I dig the way I feel right now. Because it makes me want to tear it down. So I will. And then, off I will go into the sunset.

2004-12-13T18:42:00.000-05:00

i think that if you need to say something you should say this: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2004-12-03T03:26:00.000-05:00

he sat waiting in the plastic chair. sun streamed through the windows onto his face that housed eyes that watched the dancers as they walked by to rehearse. He looked towards the door and she walked in all grace and beauty and wonder and thank you god for making something like that. and she sauntered over her eyes impossibly bright. he smiled at her and she smiled back. he was so glad that she smiled back. he closed his eyes for a moment as she walked closer and in the millisecond of his blink he imagined all of the universes that he saw in her eyes. and he imagined all of the life that he saw there. and he marveled for a moment on how much there was inside those eyes of hers. and he wondered why it is that he always falls for the ones with blue eyes. she reaches for his hand and she touches him and he can't believe no can't believe that she's touching him. but she is and its great and theres no way he's going to ask questions. so he intertwines his fingers in hers and they walk off and her hair is blowing in the wind and he's staring at the profile of her face against the city behind her and for one split second everything yes everything is all right with the world. thank you pope, dali lama etc, he has found enlightenment in her profile against something that inspires no warmth in the heart. and they walk hand in hand down the street in this city that has a name but the name doesn't matter because for all intensive purposes these two are everywhere and thats fine by them. and there are no words necessary. them big baby blues say all there is to say.

2004-12-02T21:59:00.000-05:00

she walks into the room all audrey hepburn hair put up unkempt yet so so carefully placed. she glances to the left. smiles coyly at him. he returns the smile, but goofier. she makes him goofy. she sidles up to him, casually brushing up against him. "hey pretty" he says. "hi gorgeous" she replies. he grins wide. she grins wider. and they leave together. and no one else in the room was ever the wiser as they left starry eyed and new. and thats the way they prefer it to be.

2004-11-28T17:15:00.000-05:00

i wish that i could somehow take my heart and put it upside down, and empty it like a wastebasket. just pour its contents out, and stare at it, strewn on the floor like shrapnel from something that used to be large and powerful but now really, really isn't. now really isn't at all. i wish that i could call to say that i'm so so sorry for all the things that i have done to you, and you and you. i wish that i could properly apologize for all of those things. i hurt you far too deep. far far too deep, and it isn't fair. i should, in all honesty, just dissapear into the night sometime soon. just leave, no note, no goodbye, no tears, no regret, nothing. just me slipping out in the middle of the dark dark night and away from you so nothing bad can happen anymore. because you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me. or perhaps you mean too much. i'm not really sure. you do mean far more than it seems. but its easier if i just pretend that you don't. you do mean much. but maybe i'm not enough.

2004-11-22T13:12:00.000-05:00

Yesterday i went to the Toronto Santa Clause parade. Matty h, Ev, and Andy C and i went, after smoking a rather large morning j. the santa clause parade is good times, because everyone is happy, girls are wearing scarves and drinking hot chocolate and i'm falling in love with all of them, children are stoked to see santa. we were near the university subway entrance, and people kept coming in and out with bicycles and strollers and stuff, getting mad at the stupid people enjoying the parade. NOTE TO THOSE PEOPLE: take a different subway. we left that general area to walk down the u of t way to meet parade loving girls who go to a real university, not theatre school. so we strolled down the crowded streets and just dug everything that we saw. santa came by. evan yelled at him. people stared. it was happy

we came back to my place and chilled out. played nintendo, because we're just badassed like that. watched fern gully, cause we're the coolest people on earth. nola came over. nola actually came over before fern gully, but i'm just mentioning it now. watched the grey cup. went for wendys/bowls during half time. came back, the edges of the world suitably dulled, and watched football. played more nintendo. then left to smoke yet again. and i didn't even smoke a cigarette.

after reflecting on my day that was spent completely under the influence, i think that i only exist between the milliseconds when you close and open your eyes for a blink.

2004-11-22T01:42:00.000-05:00

what i wouldn' do to be somewhere else. not because here is bad, but because else is else and i don't know else as well as i know here. here is good. else could be great. else is full of endless possibilities.

sometimes i notice things that are generally imperceptible to me. perception is good times.

i wish that i could just completely let down every possible guard for just like, a day. just completely be whomever it is that i want to be.

guitar strings are being plucked right now by the little band that resides inside my computer speakers.

sleep would be welcome right about now.

also, i turn 19 in 5 days

you're all just figments of my imagination, and i thank you very much for sticking around. you make things interesting.

2004-11-11T11:17:00.000-05:00

she walked beside him, keeping up with his longer stride. she just bought gloves, cute ones, rainbow coloured from an american conglomerate new to canada. this excited her. her excitement made him smile.

they were seated in a corner of the restaurant. date-ish. but it wasn't a date. was it? she made conversation, he went with it. they order appetizers, her's looked funny, so he laughed. her eyes were bluer than they have ever been.

she had this thing with her smile that made him question a lot of things. it was one of those smiles that make you grin goofily in spite of yourself. it was one of those smiles that makes you wonder why it is that your still sitting across from the girl instead of just grabbing her and kissing her right there. then he realized that he had table manners, and continued to eat.

he hated himself for his polite upbringing

she smiled

her eyes were big and blue and held secrets that he couldn't decode if he tried. and she thought it was all so obvious. she thinks she's easy to read. the general public disagrees. she calls him clueless, he agrees, because he can hardly speak at all.

she brought out latex gloves that she still had in the pocket of her knitted sweater that fit oh so well. they were from her lab earlier in the day. he fell in love.

she was unaware.

or hyper aware. you can't tell with this one.

she made fun of him, he laughed sheepishly. she makes him continually sheepish, and he seems to sort of like that.

she looked at him for a while, and didn't say anything. just looked. whatever thoughts were racing behind those dangerous baby blues were completely hidden. shrouded. unknown to all who tried desperately to know. perhaps it would make more sense if we all stopped trying.

he looked back. tried to think of funny things to say, and failed, cause he's not all that funny. and still she looked. and he felt naked. and realized that that wasn't very fair. reciprocity is key.

she tried to melt his brains with her eyes when he tried to pay. dimly lit restaurant brightened by the fire in her eyes. but they don't take debit, so he did it anyway.

they walked home. he showed her his school. she made fun, because it's basically a shanty. for some reason certain programs get no money. not that he's bitter.

he liked the way that her cheeks got red in the cold. and the way her scarf fell across her neck. really he like pretty much everything she had going on.

she was unreadable.

she gave him cd's, and left into the night. long trip home. he watched her go.

she watched him watch her go.

she talked about him when she got home.

she probably thought the same things he was thinking.

but he'd never know it to look at her.

2004-11-03T01:54:00.000-05:00

talking to you makes me feel like theres this thing in the pit of my stomach thats slowly pulling me apart, ripping me up and sending me to different hemispheres in packages wrapped tightly in brown paper, tied with white string. you cause me more pain than i think is humanly imaginable, and i don't have any idea why it's still happening. but it is and it will continue to and i will continue to care and you will continue to not and everything you brush off will fall on me and weigh me down until there is nothing i can do but lie on the pavement and watch you walk away. so this is goodbye.

2004-10-31T19:21:00.000-05:00

i'm in an odd mood right now. i blame most of that on ben folds, because i was listening to him on my ipod on the walk to robby m's place earlier today. it was odd. i used to be really close with that group of people. not so much anymore. i sort of float through it, indifferent to the loss. although, i suppose that if i'm indifferent to it, i wouldn't be writing about it now. i dunno how to properly put it into words. its like being lonely when theres 20 people in the room with you. doesn't really make sense, but it happens. and it sort of blows. i kinda wanna go somewhere far far far away and just not know anyone. make a new life for myself. nahmean?

2004-10-31T14:10:00.000-05:00

i got up, showered, put on a dress shirt and dress pants and my black shiny dress shoes, donned my jacket, popped the collar because thats what i do, and went downstairs. met her downstairs and we went to church. she's never been to catholic church before so i decided to educate. she's taking me to united church next weekend. so we pretended to be religious for an hour, then went for breakfast, talked about how i'm hopelessly in love with like, a million girls. she laughed at me. she always does, and i always adore it. we had hash browns with melted cheese and bacon and coffee at eggstacy. it was quite exquisite. after eating and talking and eating some more i walked her home. and that was my morning. i havent had a morning like that in quite a while. so i'm utterly satisfied, and now i'm listening to jeff buckley's version of "hallelujah". and its a solid song. by the way, don't get me wrong, i'm not a crazy church guy. it definitely a nice place to go sometimes though. cleansing, nahmean? i dont want to write anymore. so i'm going to stop now.

2004-10-29T19:19:00.000-04:00

ok, so the plan for tonight is as follows: go to jordans kegger, drink a million beers. stumble back to ryerson while smoking ciggarettes, meet up with actors from my class, take the subway/bus all the way to scompton, get to andy's, drink a 26er of gin, love life. fin

2004-10-28T21:00:00.000-04:00

theres this little place that i have in my heart that no one knows about. no one knows about it because its a secret, and you don't tell people secrets. you keep them to yourself. I hide this place where no one can see it. where no one can get at it. i keep this place for myself and myself only, because i think that everyone need a place like that. it's a place that i can put her, or what the idea of her used to be. and i can lock it up. keep it there forever, where it can't hurt me or her or you. and look at it sometime on a rainy sunday morning when the sunlight shines through the droplets and i can sit and remember something else. something different that was wonderful for quite a while, then not so wonderful for quite a while as well. i think everyone keeps places like that. so we can pretend for a while that its all ok, so that we can keep on keeping on. survival in a tiny place in my heart. and you can't see it. cause it's mine. and i'm selfish like that.

2004-10-28T15:32:00.000-04:00

we walked down the streetlit street, advertisments flashing above us like neon angels and i told her about school and she told me not to leave and i told her ok. and we got coffee and laughed and joked and decided to sleep with eachother one day in the far off future solely for the comic benefit of the action. then we went out and bought deoderant together. i think that the true measure of a friend is whether or not you'll accept their advice on switching deoderants, as i did that night. we then sauntered off to her boyfriends house and did some buckets, which was interesting. i played with his guitar for a bit then made my timely exit, bought brie and grapes because i'm a sophisticated motherfucker, and settled down to eat and be introspective. and now i'm listening to jeff buckley and waiting for the inevitable moment when i'm going to have to go to acting class and sit there for three hours and not get up to do an excercise/ dubble yooo tee eff. i'm not going to do anyhing tonight, because this weekend is going to be full of abusing my body, and frankly, a man can only do so much. and now frank sinatra's "a nightengale in berkley square" is playing in the background, and that makes everything ok.

pretty eh.

i'll describe to you the love that was spooncoming at queens at a later date.

put it this way, matt did a keg stand for 60 seconds. i love my friends.

2004-09-28T20:21:00.000-04:00

its like being in limbo. stop, wait, be still.....more still than that silly. wait, wait wait. then breathe. and then with the breath everything is ok again. in breath, out breath. repeat until you can't anymore. weep. weep for lack in relationships, weep for children dying weep because her image is fading as the bus pulls away. weep because that was it, your one last chance. weep because yes, tonight, it is over and you can do nothing at all about it. you are not wise. y ou can not fix it. weep for the finality of it. weep for the finality of life, because once gone its gone. and when your done weeping, stop and think and meditate. sit down, light up, let the mind wander. dead men don't lie when it comes to things like this. in things like this they only whisper that which they know or that which they're allowed to say. and thats not much. so sit and enjoy your smoke as you think about all that has passed and all that will pass and all that will pass when your gone because you my friend are finite. you're just a speck. a flicker. an anomalie. so enjoy yourself. be a bright flicker. sit with your smoke and watch it float languidly up. and wait. for something. cause something always comes.

2004-09-22T01:55:00.000-04:00

and you will never see no never see this again. beat poetry this time again this time i can't seem to stop. perhaps its somewhat like an addiction and perhaps i'm just too stoned to think about such an esoteric concept. doe anyone read this anymore? anonymity perhaps or perhaps not. eventually the words just creep across the screen sort of like little animals.......sort of like there alive. apparently awe from my direction is good but i really don't think that its good enough anymore because it hasn't been for so so long, or maybe i just should say or have said or say in the future something thats even slightly relevant. but i probably won't. i hope that when i'm 80 i'm still rocking out hardcore in a band and being all political and shit. i wanna be all political and shit more often. and i want to sleep more often too. so i'm gonna go do that. cheerio and such.

2004-09-05T04:05:00.000-04:00

so i'm back. at ryerson. in residence. year 1.5. should be interesting. i think it's going to be different and scary and wonderful and new, and it could be better than the last one. i guess i shouldn't fall for any of the girls in my new class, although theres a decent chance i will. probably a good point, but maybe they'll all go......or have people waiting.............or go away somewhere far. i think it would be interesting to be far. i wanna go away, to like, italy, to rome. i may do that next year, just pickup and go. i need to discover things, i need to learn new things, i need to fall in love with something completely different, something that will stick around or something. something that could be flawless. i don't think theres anything without flaws though, really. sometimes i can't notice. sometimes they don't really matter. fuck. tonight we did a lot of damn bowls and saw garden state, which was wicked, cause it says everything i try to say but can't go zach braff. its a good movie, i'd definitely recommend it.

that movie really moved 2 of the people i went with. i'm omitting names, cause thats generally a good thing. it apparently hit home too much. they loved it, but there were some tears, which i found interesting, cause i didn't even think of it in that context. for those of you have seen it, i mean the plane thing at the end. the airport thing. it made them so sad. i guess i could see how that could happen.

does this even make any sense anymore?

i think it would be wonderful if i could fly or run really really fast or be invisible or telepathic or something. to be someting extraordinary.

i love love. i love the feeling of falling in love, or in like, or whatever term it is we used to classify that sorta stuff nowadays. its such a great feeling. i think thats hope. hope for what could be. joy at what could be. and so much could be. so much.

i'm going to see jimmy eat world on the 9th at the mod club

then jack johnson on the 10th

then matt good and the tragically hip on the 12th

and before that, hawksley workman on the 6th.

best couple of days ever.

2004-08-22T18:58:00.000-04:00

and in this city in this night under these streetlamps with me in my cordouroy jacket and you in your green sweater and matching shoes. for some reason i can't say anything. ever. i can make the attempt. i can think about it, but i can't ever do it. action eludes me. i'm not really sure why. i guess complacency. no. that really not it at all.

it's because if i don't do anything about it, i can still dream about it. if i make a move, i can't dream anymore, cause there won't be any hope anymore. if i don't do anything, i can still go home after i drop you off, after i stand in front of you house for an hour talking to you under the streetlights, i can still go to bed and stare at my ceiling and think about what it would be like if i did do something. and my dreams can still put a smile on my face.

but if i act, then i won't be able to do that.

i think that thats easily the most fucked up logic possible.

ever

what the fuck am i doing.

i mean honestly

matty h can act.

matty h can make a stand.

i need to learn how to just take whatever it is that i want

wait,

no

not take

go for

attempt.

ugh.

on a completely different note, doesn't eric estrada look like a total fag?

2004-08-16T20:04:00.000-04:00

my day at work consisted of the following: playing drama games. makign an ass out of myself in front of children. drinking coffee. making fun of children. eating lunch. going to the mall. getting my head/back scratched. giving various head scratches/playing with hair. sleeping. laughing. best......job......ever. now i'm gonna go out and smoke croatian cigarette, cause thats what hot european girl brought back for me as a present from her trip to croatia.

2004-08-15T20:05:00.000-04:00

i think that it would work better if i could just open up my head and let her walk in. i think that if i could properly put into words what it is that i'm thinking, and if i could actually say what it is that i think, something could happen. i think that if i could possibly shed this utterly clumsy self of mine, i think that if i could really be completely bare and show her what it is that makes me tick....yeah........

do you ever feel like your kinda trapped inside your head? like, if you could just say excactly what it is that you thought and feel, say it true and clear without any regret or worry of what would come of it, then it could be......you could be......we could be. that sorta thing.

on a completely different and completely less emo note, my body is completely dead right now based on the fact that it's done like, 4 performances of west side story in 3 days as well as the fact that it's all partyed out from the cast party. goddammit. my brain is in such a haze right now. thats probably why nothing i'm writing makes any sense right now. whatever, its your fault for reading it.

i need a change. i can't think so much anymore. let me rephrase that. i can't be so concerned about things anymore. i need to act. to just do something. anything. to do something i stop myself from doing because theres a possibility it may not go so well. i can't do that anymore. i just have to act.

2004-08-03T23:00:00.000-04:00

i was thinking today. in the grand scheme of things, our problems are small. petty. not really that important at all. we're just blinks of an eye when it comes to the perspective of time. our shit doesn't matter. so why worry about it. just do something. take a risk. jump. don't check your parachute. just go. it won't hurt. cause it really doesn't matter. we're born, we live, we die. make the most of the living part, thats what it's there for. now the question is, will i be able to keep to my own newfound philosophy?

i hope so.

2004-08-01T20:10:00.000-04:00

so i took her out to watch stars and skyline. and we sat on a hill and were above everything and i felt like i was above everything cause i was with her and thats all i need. and we talked about everything and anything and it was good. damn good. and her shirt matched mine, because they were both california themed. cause we roll like that. we drank slurpees and laughed and got eaten by mosquitoes, and watched clouds roll over our heads. and it was good.

i drove her home cause it got too mosquitoey. we sped down the road listening to edge 102. we sang along to blink 182's dammit. i really dig that song. i really dig that girl.

we drove around brampton searching for something to do, but there isn't anything to do in b town after 9:00, and it was considerably past that time. we settled on playing on the swings in her backyard. so we did that and talked. and talked. and talked. and i left. and i didn't kiss her. i didn't tell her that i think she's beautiful and that i love hanging out with her. i didn't tell her how i love how she makes me into an idiot. i didn't tell her any of that. i told her to get a glass of water for the hiccups that she had. and i told her goodnight. and i drove away wondering why i didn't say anthing.

so i stopped my car.

took out a quarter.

flipped it.

it told me that i shouldn't go back.

so obviously i did the excact opposite.

who the fuck trusts the judgment of a quarter?

so i drove back. not having any idea what to day or do. and wondering if it was a bad idea. cause it was around 2 am. but i did it anyway.

i walked up her driveway. said hello to her cat. rang the doorbell.

the house was totally dark.

rang the bell again

still dark

rang the third and final time.

left.

i guess buddha didn't want me to do anything that night.

but shoudl i try again?

2004-07-27T19:24:00.000-04:00

i=wussy. goddammit.

2004-07-24T16:42:00.000-04:00

i saw all of the eldorado people last night. for those of you who have no idea who the eldorado people are, they're people from the camp i used to work at last summer, conveniently named eldorado. the camp, i mean. anyways, i saw them last night cause my buddy wayne had a party, and it was fucking sick. i miss those guys a lot. they're so damn funny. they're playing a baseball game against chingcouasy sports camp. they're gonna get their asses kicked. and i am going to go and watch. and laugh. and cheer. their whole mantra is "what sports camp has in skill, we make up for in spirit." goddammit i miss those guys.

so wayne's was a good time. matty h came, which was rad. we had adventures and met people that neither of us had met yet and he met camp people, and it was really interesting to see how people had changed and stuff. and i felt special cause i got a bunch of hugs when i came in. which was nice. and ex girlfriend was there, ex girlfriend who's sister is a leader in training at my camp. which wasn't awkward at all, which was rad. i didn't really expect it to be, but sometimes things get weird, nahmean?

most of the night is sort of a blur. but thats cool. haha. it was totally the same though, which was really cool. like, nothing had really changed. i just didn't know some of the kids that they were making fun of. but i knew some of them. bastards.

and then i slept in till 2 pm and spent the rest of the day swimming/hot tubbing with flu cause he randomly came to visit.

best

day

ever.

2004-07-20T22:42:00.000-04:00

i want to wake up. i want to wake up in a different place as a different person in a different situation. i want to wake up free and clear and light. i want to wake up with sigur ros playing on my cd player like in vanilla sky. i want to wake up tom cruise. i want to wake up loved and adored and thought of with compassion and joy. i want to wake up in rome and go to work in a cafe. i want to wake up beside someone who loves me. i want to wake up where i have the people i used to have again. i want to wake up where i can have everyone. i want to wake up with a waytooblue sky above me and far too green grass and smile to myself because everything is too damn good. i want to wake up on top of a skyscraper. so high that i can see the smog like a toxic blanket on the city, soft as fleece but choking us slowly. i want to sit bolt upright in a cold sweat and get up and run. and run and run and run until i can shake this. until i can have this fall off like dead leaves off a tree. i want to tumble. i want to plummet. i want to feel the air rushing around me. i want to lock eyes and feel something there. i want something to be there. i want all the things around us to blur and for there to only be this and for that to be all i need. i want that to be all she needs. i want to be all she needs. i want to be great and grande and big and fantastic. i want to be.

2004-07-20T22:26:00.000-04:00

the posse went out to turtle jack's and i was cleaning my house cause my irish grandmother is coming over on thursday so i couldn't go out. i=biggest loser. i'm talking to my old roomate and now i feel all introspective and retarded because i'm not living with him or any of them next year. cause we're not going to be close next year. because distance fucks things up. because effort eventually dies. so. i guess i'm sort of sad.

2004-07-20T19:04:00.000-04:00

ok. so. cute work girl agreed to go out avec moi on friday to see paul play. it went ok. frankly, i can't really tell if this girl digs me at all, or if she just thinks that i'm an awkward douchebag. i think it could easily go both ways. which is fun.....really.

in other news, my ex girlfriend's little sister is a Leader In Training at the camp i work at, which is damn uncomfortable. i realized it at lunch, and said "hey, do you have a sister named amanda?" and she said "yes rob. yes i do." at which point i said "ah" and walked away. then later, this random other Leader In Training -who told me she could do the splits, then proceeded to do them, as i threw up in my mouth a little- started to talk to me, and i ignored her heartily, and started talking to ex's younger sister, saying something to the effect of "it's kind of funny how you're her sister and i didn't realize it until now". she then said "yes rob. yes it is." there was then about five seconds of awkward silence, at which point i said "well.....i'm uncomfortable." and left the room. i'm my own hero.

my next door neighbour is like, the coolest chick ever. it's>http://www2.emu-zone.org/host/disland/images/fcrom/Emo%20Yan%>it's pretty hilarious, cause we're the same person, and we've lived beside eachother for 2 years. and have never talked previously. now we're like, good friends. how retarded is that? it's cool though, we're going to have a kid and name him rod, so his nickname can be hot rod. and i'm changing my last name to buble. so he can be hot rod buble. BEST PARENTS EVER!

i never wrote about going camping last weekend. i went with my ryerson friends. it was basically as follows: drinking all night, swimming, cliff diving, getting busted for having pot, stealing a street sign, stripping, getting sunburnt, enjoying myself immensely.

i've been so emo lately what with the digging of cute work girl, so i bought an emo cd today, as to continue with the trend. it's a band called as tall as lions. they're pretty good. sort of a mix of U2 and Sunny Day Real Estate. i listened to the cd as i mopped the floor of the stage today.

i'm going over to matty's soontime. kirk out.

2004-07-20T18:56:00.000-04:00

i am the only guy at my work. and all of the girls i work with are attractive. all of them. I FUCKING ROCK.

2004-07-14T18:28:00.000-04:00

someday, i want to be out on a date, in some random place, like a really crowded fancy restaurant, and have the song "i believe (when i fall in love)" by stevie wonder play, then get up with whatever lady i'm with at the time, and just dance. no matter where i am. just dance.

i think the cute girl from work is coming to watch paul's band play with me on friday, which is pretty rad. however, matty is going to new york for the weekend (cocksucker) and michelle is going to sarnia, and i dunno about kev, which worries me. cause i said that some of my friends are coming. i think i said that. and i dunno who else would be into watching it. and as much as i actually would like to just go with cute work girl, i dunno if that would be awkward or not. like, if she'd be all "uh....why is it just us". or if she'd be down with it. i dunno. it's sorta odd. and i'm deep in thought about it. i think that i'm thinking about it too much. i think that i should probably just be like "yeah, it's just gonna be you and i". like, take a stand of sorts. act with balls. cajones, as some cultures say. i feel like the biggest emo kid in the world right now.

so yeah, any suggestions of how i should handle this situation would be greatly appreciated. because i am an idiot and don't know how to do things. except rocket science. i am so down with that.

guava is a wonderful fruit

end scene.

2004-07-13T19:21:00.000-04:00

this is my 69th post. heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehe.

i woke up smiling today. singing. i was singing in the shower and singing to my new belvedere cd and just feeling beautiful. i spread the musical love that is paul norrish today at work. i burned cute girl a copy of his cd and asked her if she wanted to come watch him and his band paperkillsrock play on friday avec moi. i'm hoping that instead of her thinking i'm a clumsy dumbass, she finds me charmingly befuddled, much like hugh grant. i realize that thats a pretty big longshot, but hey, i'm a dreamer, right? so pray for me to whatever god or anti god you choose.

i think i actually have the best job in the world. i'm basically a camp counsellor without having to deal with parents. and i get paid more. and i'm the only guy on staff. the only drawback? neon orange city of bramptopia staff t shirts. but i think that thats an ok tradeoff.

i'm really digging this pete yorn character's music right now. get the song "for nancy". vurrrrrry nice.

beautiful european girl leaves for her european vacation on thursday. le sigh. when she comes back i fear i will have to ravish her in the nicest of ways.

i wanna grow long hugh grant-esque hair. but i can't actually do it. i'd look way too damn ugly.

my neighbourhood is like this really weird stepford wives-esque place where you don't meet your neighbours until you realize you work with them. one of the counsellors at my camp is my neighbour. i have never seen this girl. ever. which is odd. she's totally rad though, so it's good. we share a love of causing shit and making fun of children. the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

i havent chilled with the posse in quite a while. this needs to be remedied. so i'm gonna remedy it. later black people.

2004-07-05T18:40:00.000-04:00

it's a somewhat sobering thought to think that you have lost all that is you or all that it is that you thought you were. theres a girl at work who's pretty cute but every time i talk to her i make a complete ass out of myself. it's pathetic. i should be neutered so my seed can't spread further. haha. le sigh.

seriously though, everything that i say to her is dumb. everything. not a single thing is intelligent or interesting in any way shape or form.

i feel like i'm slipping from something. like, i'm falling from somewhere i used to be.

according to something corporate, the present is just a pleasant interruption from the past.

i want to feel at home in my own skin again.

i want to feel self confident

i want to feel lurrrrrved.

but i think we all need to feel lurved.

get my meaning

?

maybe someday?

goddammit i hope so

i'm gonna eat dinner

i haven't eaten since lunch.

at work

at camp

where there are tons of children with tons of hopes

and dreams

kinda a nice thought for a monday night