how can i love you if i don't love myself

its cloudy in my head tonight

its 3:56 am and i wish that i had been there

its 3:56 am and i'm glad i am here

it 3:56 am and i just might be losing my mind

i wonder why i feel like this at this moment in time

there are people in my living room and i don't know who they are

how can i love you if i don't love myself

too

many

falsities

i'm not sure where i am right now

i think i'm lost

can someone direct me to the nearest information kiosk?

i need something

i need something

anything

please

please?

i suppose not.

isn't it funny how we've both lost

how we've both

how i've

its me.

suddenly is sooner than you think.

the blue flecked concrete smiles back at me

and i have a pilates class in 8 hours

sleep becomes me

sleep envelopes me

i honestly don't know where i am right now

scatter my ashes somewhere pure

then scatter some of them somewhere dirty

scatter them somewhere clean and new

scatter them somewhere old and built up

scatter them on cobblestone

on wrought iron

on well trodden paths

scatter them where they can get on the bottoms of peoples shoes

scatter them in the jetstream

scatter them into the sea

scatter them on the archipelago

scatter them where starlight brings out the shape of her cheekbones

scatter them among pines and firs

scatter them among skyscrapers and neon lights

scatter me

among you.

currently i am high and eating english muffins with havarti cheese melted on it and i'm listening to iron and wine and talking to my true true realy perfect love and if you could be where i am you wouldn't use punctuation either

DON'T HATE ON THE WICKEDNESS

i enjoyed so many people's company tonight.


and imac came. he was supposed to write an essay. but instead he was wicked.

its ambient and flows over me like water and sand

it flow over me as the palm trees slowly sway

it flows over me like my dreams.

i suppose that my brain is currently clouded and perhaps this won't be as profound as it seems right now in the morning.

but i also don't care.

(i thumb my nose at the general populace)

i'm as profound as i should be at this moment

i'm as perfect as i can and will ever be

i love her

and she apparently is quite the fan of me

i

am

finally

happy.

everything i see is poetry. everything. from the way the light reflects on the bottle of tanqueray, to my messy, messy kitchen, to my roomate/brother sitting and playing the gee-tar, to the way the light shines on her shoulders. every. single. thing.

if we're all ashes and we all become dust then

who

wants

to

float in the wind with me?

my dreams are not even wet yet

my dreams are big and broad and blue as the day sky

i'm not waking up yet i'm not waking up yet

lets dirty our feet in the earth beneath us

there is no up without down

i'm training a den of lions to protect me from assassins with M-16's

i'm training my mind to protect me from them

let's turn a phrase

kiss me before the sky falls

i can see support girders cracking

i can see my resolve cracking

they can smell it on you

apparently i don't believe in punctuation.

apparently i don't believe in your resolve encapsulated in a single moment

apparently you have to prove it all to me

be brilliant

i hope to god that i never become like them.

if i'm sitting above looking at the city below am i a god and are they ants?

you love me you love me you do

repitition is the key to success.

thank you for reading this.

pat yourself on the back for being so hip and go buy yourself a slice of lemon merangue pie.

tell them to put it on my tab.

i'm currently in the process of spontaneously combusting

WOMEN AND CHILDREN ARE FIRST TO THE LIFEBOATS YOU SELFISH COCK FUCK

i'll meet you where the silver bullet moon meets the idea filled head of the earth

i'm torn asunder

i'm up and down and all that in between

you can't be you can't be you'll never.

jack frost is painting intricate mosaics on my window while im slowly falling

falling

down.

i did not like that last sentence.

she's mad cause he uses colloquialisms

the kettle is boiling and i can hear her singing

its thick dark outside. the kind of dark you wade through.

nighttime feels lonely

i want to stand at the top of a really tall building and yell down.

i want to be higher than anyone else

i want to see things that only i can see

come to see it

come and keep your mind open so i can jump right in

i wish i was wearing a top hat

lets dress up pretty and go eat at wendy's

i'll wear my pinstripe suit

you can wear a dress i've never ever seen before

lets be unorthodox

thank you

for all the things you never will even know about

sitting under the stone archway smoking a cigarette watching the sun and the people and the life and the blatancy of our own fragility

i think we're perfect

on my desk there is:
A.) An "Incredibles" Kleenex box
B.) A race car
C.) My Ipod
D.) My computer
E.) 1.4 Litres of vodka
F.) Owen Pallet's Cd Jacket

G.) A small prototype universe for a science fair project
H.) A shitty techno cd i bought at Sam The Record Man for 99 cents
I.) Peacock feathers

J.) The cage for my pet monkey Bobo
K.) Gold Boullion
L.) The original cast of Broadway's "Rent"
M.) Love
N.) My buddha bracelet (for good luck)
M.) The dagger I got from the Maori tribesman I killed while on a covert mission in Papua New Guinea

O.) Your great-great grandmother's gold tooth
P.) Your shame and well being
Q.) My creativity
R.) The letter P
S. A black tabby cat named Cocamo
T.) Monogamy
U.) The thumbs of the Chinese Ping Pong team
V.) A Stanley brand stapler
W.) Eye Patch (real pirate fashion)
X.) A crab apple I picked while really high on mushrooms
Y.) New Years Day
Z.) A small figure of Richard Nixon giving the finger

sometimes i feel like i'm the lonliest boy on earth.

sometimes i feel like i am the only only only only one who ever thinks

like

this.

i love you.

the night air is warm and i will walk there and i will work my ass off and i will pretend that for one moment that i belong here.

i will pretend that i will be

long

i won't long for it cause i will know

sometimes, when it's really late i walk down yonge street. and there are no people. there are no cars. it's empty

on those nights i feel like i'm the only person left in the world

on those nights i feel like

i feel like

i don't know what i feel like

you are the most bone white star in my inky black sky

you've got pianist's fingers

you've got pianist's fingers

out under the stars

she smiles

i smile with her

we will be pioneers

we will explore the uncharted

i am something i am something

together we will walk hand in hand over crystal waters

together we will walk hand in hand over my grave

i've been watching too much six feet under.

if i could still be there i would

i haven't laughed that legitimately for a long long time

your eyes are music

i want to roll out of bed and walk outside wearing only a pair of jeans and smoke a cigarette while contemplating everything and anything that goes on behind closed doors

next jimmy dean baby

next jimmy dean.