talking to you makes me feel like theres this thing in the pit of my stomach thats slowly pulling me apart, ripping me up and sending me to different hemispheres in packages wrapped tightly in brown paper, tied with white string. you cause me more pain than i think is humanly imaginable, and i don't have any idea why it's still happening. but it is and it will continue to and i will continue to care and you will continue to not and everything you brush off will fall on me and weigh me down until there is nothing i can do but lie on the pavement and watch you walk away. so this is goodbye.

i'm in an odd mood right now. i blame most of that on ben folds, because i was listening to him on my ipod on the walk to robby m's place earlier today. it was odd. i used to be really close with that group of people. not so much anymore. i sort of float through it, indifferent to the loss. although, i suppose that if i'm indifferent to it, i wouldn't be writing about it now. i dunno how to properly put it into words. its like being lonely when theres 20 people in the room with you. doesn't really make sense, but it happens. and it sort of blows. i kinda wanna go somewhere far far far away and just not know anyone. make a new life for myself. nahmean?

i got up, showered, put on a dress shirt and dress pants and my black shiny dress shoes, donned my jacket, popped the collar because thats what i do, and went downstairs. met her downstairs and we went to church. she's never been to catholic church before so i decided to educate. she's taking me to united church next weekend. so we pretended to be religious for an hour, then went for breakfast, talked about how i'm hopelessly in love with like, a million girls. she laughed at me. she always does, and i always adore it. we had hash browns with melted cheese and bacon and coffee at eggstacy. it was quite exquisite. after eating and talking and eating some more i walked her home. and that was my morning. i havent had a morning like that in quite a while. so i'm utterly satisfied, and now i'm listening to jeff buckley's version of "hallelujah". and its a solid song. by the way, don't get me wrong, i'm not a crazy church guy. it definitely a nice place to go sometimes though. cleansing, nahmean? i dont want to write anymore. so i'm going to stop now.